Amazing Grace: Where would I be without it?

Suicide is not a popular topic. However, I've been there too often to ignore its place n my life and journey.

I have tried to end my life on more than one occasion in my youth because I couldn't resolve my sexuality with the Christian life that I desired to live. I wanted to be the best Christian I could be and yet at every step I seemed to be moving further from the desired goal. My sexuality did not measure up to the person I believed I was supposed to be; the person I believed I was meant to be and desire to be.

I was called a pervert before I knew what being a pervert was; and I use the term with some reservation; I'm sure that the anti-homoxual group will want to exploit such a confession. I was singled out by my peers without knowing why and I suffered horrendous persecution and bullying for something I had no control over. 

My sexuality was developing without my input or sanction; yet it was drawing me down a path of personal understanding that did not fit with the expectations of either my parents or my peers. It also created a strong sense of guilt in my relationship with God and provided much material for the Confessional growing up Catholic.

By the time I had come to a place of self acceptance I was in my mid-thirties; in fact I didn't 'Come Out' until I was 31; there are so many things that I feel a sense of regret for. Yet, I also realise that I have learned so much from the period of torture, bullying sexual abuse and abasement that I am now a stronger person; even if I still fall.

When I was teaching in the Wongan Hills in WA i had originally wanted to spend weekends in town and become established. However, as a result of the lack of privacy; because of shared accommodation I found the need to retreat to the city each weekend to maintain my sanity. 

As conditions deteriorated in the School, I found that I would have to fight with myself not to crash my car into a tree somewhere along the Great Northern Highway as I returned to the town. This scared me as I had not considered suicide since my teen years.

Suicide has not been a part of my thought processes for a very long time. I have been in dire situations where I have been more terrified of what would happen if lost control and I couldn't stop myself. But the actual desire to end my life and the pain that the anguish brings is truly a stranger to me now.

The years between being in Ministry; losing that role through betrayal feeling distant from God  and eventually realising the wonder of God's Immutable Grace was a period of 'feeling' alone lost and separated from God's Love. 

It was interesting to discover, only last year, that God's Grace is sufficient for me; personally. Thank you Phillip Yancey and thank you to the lovely lady on the flight from Melbourne to Perth who recommended Phillip's book.

I still have a strong desire to fulfil God's call to ministry; but I don't know what direction that will take. I always enjoy preaching and teaching. I especially enjoy singing. But, does my style fit into the current model of church? I can only hope so.