Amazing Grace: Where would I be without it?

Suicide is not a popular topic. However, I've been there too often to ignore its place n my life and journey.

I have tried to end my life on more than one occasion in my youth because I couldn't resolve my sexuality with the Christian life that I desired to live. I wanted to be the best Christian I could be and yet at every step I seemed to be moving further from the desired goal. My sexuality did not measure up to the person I believed I was supposed to be; the person I believed I was meant to be and desire to be.

I was called a pervert before I knew what being a pervert was; and I use the term with some reservation; I'm sure that the anti-homoxual group will want to exploit such a confession. I was singled out by my peers without knowing why and I suffered horrendous persecution and bullying for something I had no control over. 

My sexuality was developing without my input or sanction; yet it was drawing me down a path of personal understanding that did not fit with the expectations of either my parents or my peers. It also created a strong sense of guilt in my relationship with God and provided much material for the Confessional growing up Catholic.

By the time I had come to a place of self acceptance I was in my mid-thirties; in fact I didn't 'Come Out' until I was 31; there are so many things that I feel a sense of regret for. Yet, I also realise that I have learned so much from the period of torture, bullying sexual abuse and abasement that I am now a stronger person; even if I still fall.

When I was teaching in the Wongan Hills in WA i had originally wanted to spend weekends in town and become established. However, as a result of the lack of privacy; because of shared accommodation I found the need to retreat to the city each weekend to maintain my sanity. 

As conditions deteriorated in the School, I found that I would have to fight with myself not to crash my car into a tree somewhere along the Great Northern Highway as I returned to the town. This scared me as I had not considered suicide since my teen years.

Suicide has not been a part of my thought processes for a very long time. I have been in dire situations where I have been more terrified of what would happen if lost control and I couldn't stop myself. But the actual desire to end my life and the pain that the anguish brings is truly a stranger to me now.

The years between being in Ministry; losing that role through betrayal feeling distant from God  and eventually realising the wonder of God's Immutable Grace was a period of 'feeling' alone lost and separated from God's Love. 

It was interesting to discover, only last year, that God's Grace is sufficient for me; personally. Thank you Phillip Yancey and thank you to the lovely lady on the flight from Melbourne to Perth who recommended Phillip's book.

I still have a strong desire to fulfil God's call to ministry; but I don't know what direction that will take. I always enjoy preaching and teaching. I especially enjoy singing. But, does my style fit into the current model of church? I can only hope so.

My Response to Bill Muhlenburg's Post regarding COMPASS on Sunday 10 July

Bill's original post can be found here, as well as a very sad commentary from other followers.

http://www.billmuehlenberg.com/2011/07/11/the-abc-should-be-put-out-of-its-misery


Bill,

Please Brother! You talk about homosexuality being rammed down your throat by the ABC. What you're really griping about is that there is someone trying to pull this argument into some sort of balance.
There is no 'real' argument you can push other than the religious agenda in relation to the push for equal civil marriage recognition. There is no call to impose, or demand that Churches be forced to perform ceremonies they don't believe in.

Marriage is not a static thing, it is also not a religious state any longer. There are ceremonies conducted by religious organisations and institutions but, it is the state that confers marriage in our day and age. If you want to try turning back the clock then you have a similar job to that of King Canute.  The history of marriage and to whom it has been available is and has always been in an amazing state of flux. At one stage in both the history of this country, as well as around the world the poorer classes did not marry, they "jumped the broom" with a leader in their community and they were regarded as being in a "Common Law Marriage."

In point of fact unless you were wealthy you didn't get married in a church because it was an extravagance. You could buy the materials to build a home with what it would cost you.

The definition of marriage changed dramatically in the 19th Century in the Victorian Era. that is the period when it became 'fashionable' to get married in church.

In the 1960's Interracial marriage was frowned upon and it was often declared that it would signal the end of society as we knew it; the sky didn't fall then.

Marriage took a further modification when women were given the franchise and informed that they were no longer the property of the husband, but had equal standing and rights in the marriage covenant.

Then towards the end of last century  and more broadly in this century marriage was expanded to include those of the same gender. The marriages conducted in other countries of those in same sex relationships are regarded as equal to those of their heterosexual counterparts. The fact that the Australian Marriage Act was modified to exclude the recognition of those validly and legally conducted marriages does not mean that the definition of marriage hasn't already changed. The lack of legal recognition of those marriages does not un-marry them.

How about considering the position from the other side of the table; with all of the Heterosexist programming that is forced down all of our throats to push that agenda. This is not a subject where the church has the right to force a religious agenda down other people's throats either.

Australia is not a theocracy. It is a Democracy. Democracy does not mean that the majority rule and damn everyone else; it requires that the majority ensure that those in the minority have their needs met as well; something that many forget when they spout about Australia being a democracy.

I am a Christian. I am also a Homosexual man. Neither are mutually exclusive unless you happen to take the scriptures completely out of context, or simply ignore the concept of context altogether. I believe Jesus is my Lord and Saviour. I follow the tenets of the word of God and am very aware of what the bible does and actually doesn't say about homosexuality. I could elaborate further but you might like to get in contact with Rob Buckingham at Bayside Church in Melbourne and ask him about the "Clobber Passages" that 'christians' (purposely all in lower case.) use to constantly condemn Gays and Lesbians.

Australia is a Secular country whether you like it or not. Nowhere in the scriptures did Christ or the apostles say go out and change the world's political systems, 'Forcing' your way of life upon the population.

Instead the great commission was to go out and make disciples of all nationalities (to the ends of the earth.) Instead, the word of God has been perverted by many church leaders and by many of those who blindly follow the pastor and never challenge what they are taught. There is also the FACT that much like the belief that the world was once flat; science has recognised the intrinsic nature of human sexuality; something you choose to ignore.

God gave humans brains to use them not to simply follow unquestioning. Try asking how we came about the hatred and intolerance that many in the church spew forth with such vigour? If the answer comes back that "It's always been that way! Or, that's what I was taught at the seminary! Or, that's what my church teaches! Then that is nothing more than parroting. That is not pleasing to God; that's 'sounding brass'.

Some of us forget that is is not our job to point out the sin in the lives of those who do not know Christ, that is the Job of the Holy Spirit. One thing that truly grieves the spirit of God is when we, as the body of Christ start standing in judgement over those around us; how many hearts can you actually see into?

It's time for the church to realise that ALL have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God. ALL, that includes the sanctimonious; the Neo-pharrisees; all those who look at other people and forget that ALL of us need the Grace that God has to offer; Freely; without condition.

"They shall know you by your love"; not your hatred; not your constant harping. The command calls for us to be the light not another source of hatred, bile and darkness.

Bill, and others on this list we have a real opportunity. We can continue to condemn and criticise and point out the sins of those around us; remember the Pharisee who prayed in the temple "thank you God for not making me like him" (referring to the poor man beside him.) Instead the poor man's prayer was "Thank you God for loving one such as me, a sinner."

Since when did we get the right to think that we have had enough of the Grace of God? John's first epistle points out that "if any man say he is without sin then God does not live in him." We all fall short of the glory of God in this life, that's why the Grace of God provides for the Forgiveness of sins for those who fall" (the next point in the same chapter.

As we take up the yolk of Christ in this world, then it involves loving those YOU deem unlovable; the smelly homeless person who sits on the bus beside you. The Single mother who is on heroin and finds it hard to cope with her child and the physical agony that her addiction causes her every day until she gets her next fit. And God also requires you to LOVE the homosexual; including the extravegant ones on the Mardi Gras floats that are mocking the church.

Consider the possibility that the mocking may be the symptom of the bile and hatred that those people have encountered from those who have nothing better to do than judge them and pass sentence on them bashing them with the Bible; instead of Loving them with the Word of God and healing the hurt. Bridging the Gap. Remember many have used the scriptures as a justification for physical and psychological violence against the GLBTI community.

It is not their role to make the first move church; It's ours! We have been sent into the world to reveal Christ to them and as long as we act like the Pharisees and not like Jesus, well perhaps we need to get on our knees and ask for God's Grace and Favour in our time of need so that we can be the blessing we are meant to be and not the curse.

There is no phrase more offensive to non-believers as "Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin." it is often used against Gay and Lesbian people. It is offensive and has the stench of Hell to it because it comes from Pride and One-up-man-ship; it exalts the one saying it to a position of superiority over the victim.

God Loved EVERY Sinner, Loves EVERY Sinner and Will Love EVERY Sinner; for all eternity. The Blood of Jesus is sufficient for everyone. It is sufficient for me and you believe it is sufficient for you. If so, then why is it not sufficient for ALL homosexuals?

Christ did not say, and nor did any of the Apostles say "Get your life in order before you can come to me." Instead, we have been told to Proclaim the Good News of Christ to the World. Sometimes we forget that if we're only proclaiming to those who turn up on Sunday we're "Preaching to the Converted."

Please! My Gay and Lesbian brothers and sisters deserve a better church than that. Have you ever thought that it might be the 'Religiosity' they're rejecting instead of rejecting Christ? From what I've heard and experienced Christ is usually missing from those encounters.